Playing Catch Up :)

Here's a recap of the month of July since I didn't really blog much about our adventures :) Over the Fourth of July weekend, Steve, Missy, Olivia and I went to Southern California for a much needed break from life. Here's a picture narrative(with some captions) of what we did:

Visited Grandma and Grandpa Shear, Uncle Ryan and Koko :)

Met Reid Wesley Llewellyn :) Love him!!

Olivia met her new cousin :)

We went to Lake Castaic with Chuck, Tom, Mayer and a couple of their friends who were awesome :)

Olivia didn't love the cold water. Hehe!

We went to Tom's Birthday dinner :)
We went to Venice Beach!!
Missy got a tattoo....oooohhhh :)
Went to the Santa Monica Pier :)
Enjoyed the beach :)
4th of July started out in a bounce house :)
Olivia eating a dogadilla :)
Our little family getting ready to watch the fireworks :)
Everyone minus Missy and Ryan :(
Love my lover :)

‎"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude" -Joseph B. Wirthlin

I thought that it would get easier, but it's only gotten harder...

Blessings Through Trials ♥

Two weeks ago today, I was 14 weeks pregnant. Two weeks ago today, I started cramping... and by midnight, I had lost our baby. From the day that "it" happened, I knew that I would want to share my experience with others. I never knew what to expect or what "it" would be like because no one I ever knew ever shared their story. I wish I knew more about what I would feel physically....and emotionally. I wish I knew how helpless I would feel. Obviously, I know now how traumatic and difficult an experience it can be and how utterly impossible it is to put such a horrific experience into words.

I want to share my story for a couple of reasons; to reach out to those who have experienced miscarriage and who may find themselves feeling alone or going crazy dissecting every moment that lead up to it and the events that proceeded or to perhaps prepare someone(slightly) in case this happens to them in the future.

**I wrote two versions of this experience. One is more detailed, three pages long, and is just for me and the second is a shorter version that I wrote quickly to my cousin Emily. If you don't want to know what I went through, thinking it may be t.m.i, then stop reading... right... about... now :)

I started cramping on Thursday night around 8:30pm, took a shower, and tried to ignore what was happening. I laid on the couch for close to 3 hours after my shower, with my feet up, trying to relax and rest. I thought that I had just pushed myself too hard that day, even though I didn't feel like I really did much. At about 12:00am, I went into our room to get ready for bed. Olivia woke up right away. I was feeling uneasy about what I was experiencing, so I just wanted to cuddle her in bed for a few minutes hoping my worries would go away. We laid in bed together for only a moment when I felt my stomach churn. If I was any further along, I could have mistaken it for a twisting or flipping baby. I knew something was wrong and asked Steven for a blessing. The blessing gave me the comfort I needed and within 20 seconds, it happened. I felt a gush of blood. I walked into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and blood just started gushing. I cried inconsolably for what seems like forever. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to see what I had lost. I just wanted it to be over. I wished that I could have just gotten back into bed with Olivia and Steve and cry a little more, but I couldn't.

We got to the hospital at 12:30am. While Steve gave them my information the nurse took me to my room. She asked if I was experiencing "spotting" and annoyingly and sarcastically I replied that it was a little more than spotting. She handed me a gown and I asked for something to stand on. I knew that I wouldn't be able to change into the gown without bleeding all over the floor. I was right. While we were waiting for the doctor, getting my blood pressure and temperature, I just sat there bleeding, not being able to control anything. I am thankful that Steven was there to keep my mind preoccupied.

I had an internal exam by the ER doctor and he confirmed that I did have a miscarriage and that he felt that I had passed the baby and perhaps the placenta. He ordered an ultrasound just to be sure. The technologist(not to be confused with technician, Steven made that mistake) did both ultrasounds, one regular and one internal. I had a catheter in and it hurt like hell getting both ultrasounds because of it. She saw nothing but blood in my uterus. She then added that she had never seen anyone bleed as bad as me. Great thing to say in this situation, lady.

The ER doctor then suggested that my OB come and see how he would like to proceed, either letting me continue to naturally miscarry or finish with a D and C. My doctor(who I literally despise) suggested we do the procedure at his office. I asked if I would be asleep and he assured me that I would. He even talked the nurses at the hospital into letting me keep my IV. I thought to myself, why would he do that if he wasn't planning on using it, right?! I was released from the hospital at 5:30am and went home to get some rest for a few hours before we were expected at the doctor's. I walked in the house and immediately picked up my sleeping Olivia(thankfully her Grandpa was staying at our place for the night and was able to be with her). I just wanted to cuddle with my baby and my husband. Time passed too quickly and it was time to go.

We arrived at the office, filled out some paperwork, and my name was called. I asked if Steven could be with me until the procedure started and thank goodness they said yes. The doctor entered the room and began by giving me an ultrasound to see what he would need to remove. Coincidentally, this was done with the same machine that, only four weeks before, I had seen my precious little baby for the first time and even saw his little heartbeat. The doctor then discovered and explained that my uterus was three times larger than normal and filled with blood. I thought that he needed to do an internal exam before he put me under, but instead he asked if I wanted him to talk me through what he was doing. Whhhhaaa? I was confused. Without any anesthesia, he proceeded with the D and C. I don't really know what was going through his head. It was the worst experience of my life. It hurt like hell and I will never forget the sound of the machine. I felt like I was getting a cheap abortion. Thank goodness that Steve was right there with me, holding my hand and talking me through it. I wouldn't have been able to get through it without him.

I felt like I had been through enough pain emotionally and physically and the D and C threw me over the edge. As far as losing the baby though, looking back over the last couple of weeks, I have witness such a transformation in myself already. I feel so close to my Father in Heaven and I know that this was part of His plan. I believe completely that I was my baby's earthly mother during the time he needed to receive a body. I know that he is where he belongs. He was never mine to begin with :) I am thankful for the gospel and the knowledge I have that I will meet him one day. I also have a better understanding of heeding promptings from the spirit. It felt like I was prepared for it in a way because of an experience I had only days before I miscarried. Steven and I have never been closer either. I am thankful that my husband is such an amazing man and this experience has only made my love for him grow stronger. Olivia is perfect and I am thankful that she is here with us. I feel like I appreciate my time with her more than I ever have before. Life is good and I'm feeling blessed :) I know that I will be pregnant again and will savor every moment of it......